`___My Story

scar in my life

2006-11-22T09:33:00.000+08:00

falling at great speed.
can do nothing to stop falling.
can only pray for something better after all these.
believe...because...capable of doing better...

so sorry.

THE END is near

2006-11-19T14:40:00.000+08:00

it has been months since i last came here...
hmm...
happiness came and go.
saddness came and go.
prelim came and go.
mugging hard for o level's came and go.
o level's came and go.

what's left of 2006 is playing hard?
people seem so excited about this period of holiday
BUT am i an exception?
i don't really want o level's to end...

why everyone seems so confident about doing very well and getting MANY a1?
why is it so easy for them?
me...?hmmx...
the greater your hopes are,the greater is your disappointment...

心里有许多的不安,要怎样才能平复呢?

another thing i hope to achieve during thsi period of time...HMM...can i do it?

ah gong! x(

2006-07-01T21:20:00.000+08:00

i am still thinking if i really had the dream that i thought i had... x/ well...shld be have la. x)

i seldom dream and when i dreamt last night(midnight),i dreamt of my grandpa...it was so sudden...but i am glad that i got to "see" him... x) in the dream...he was sitting opposite me and he just kept smiling at me when i was crying so hard,calling for him... x( i still have the image of how he looked at me in my head.it was like he was trying to ask me not to cry yet he did not speak a word.. x/ so this means that i really had the dream right?the deceased really do appear in living human's dreams?hmm...

i told my mum about the dream and she asked me to let my granndma know and in the end,the whole family know about the dream...i saw that my mum's eyes were wet with tears when i was describin my dream to her.my grandma was probing me for more details after i told her about my dream.actually,my mum was the one tellin more of the dream to grandma...cos i was overwhelmed with emotions at that point of time and i cried. x(
oh god,i miss him so much.everyone misses him so much.i am so glad that i got to dream about him,even it may be just my imagination...i got to "see" him... x)

mayb i sound so exaggerated...but...really miss him a lot... x'(

smth unrelated:
perhaps there are people who think that i am weak...but do i care?whatever...

walkin down lonely and long road

2006-07-01T12:08:00.000+08:00

school has only started for a week yet i am already very tired.i really did not expect myself to tire so quickly.sigh.term 3 is really gonna be very hectic.i reach home everyday at around 7pm and have to spend 1 long hour on transport...i am beginning to feel so sick but only 1 week has passed! x( how am i going to endure the rest of the term?ahhhh.

the road that stretches from the mrt station to my house seems so long and lonely everyday.the journey home everyday when i am alone seems so sad too.when i am alone,i am so capable of getting depressed because all the things that keep going through my head.i wanna divert my attention but to what?so now,i am kinda afriad to be without people. x( at least i will laugh,at least i won't think so much whhen there are people around me.sigh.

walking down this long and lonely road
which was once a happier journey,
what will i encounter?
i will never know.
but i still hope for the best,
please don't disappoiont me.
i know i can still stand tall,
if i give all i've got.
so take me away from this lonely and sad place...
[i actually have a tune for this "song".hahahaha.]

i don't mind letting everyone know how lousy i am.i know some of them will stand by me,some won't even care,and there will be some who look down on me but i won't bother myself with them.but i am very bothered with how u look at me.it is as if i totally cannot hold my head high in front of u.i wonder if u look down on me.i don't know if i am on the right track anymore.perhaps if there is a distance between us,i will feel better?perhaps u will stand tall without me around?perhaps if everything ends here,the sadness of separation at the end will be lesser?

i am sorry...but i do have these thoughts...

shopping spree! xD

2006-06-15T11:08:00.000+08:00

well.i was updating last night but everything was somehow gone.so i am retying my entry.blehx.

this is my 100th entry. =)

well...ytd was a fabulooous day. =) went shopping with dear valerie.both of us bought what we set out to buy...i bought bag and skirt.val bought bag and shirt... =) in addition,we caught a movie, "she's the man"...i highly recommend this movie.though the plot is typical and simple,it is very hilarious.it kept the whole cinema laughing through out the movie.haha.the actors and actresses are handsome and pretty too. xP lol...

den aft shopping with val,i met my mum and continued shopping.haha.and i bought a shirt. xD heex.

my day was...full of laughter.full of material possessions.none of my nonsense. x) i suppose that is smth gd?lolx.

perhaps i am just trying to fool myself.hmmx.

how come?

2006-06-06T11:31:00.000+08:00

it is raining heavily outside...

i woke up very early this morning and i attempted to sleep again while sitting upright. -.- well,i cld not sleep...lolx. that was very dumb... blehx.

how come when i read back things that i had written,i will find them dumb...?after all,they were thoughts and feelings that i felt...hmmx...

i am having more and more white hair!!! x(

tmr is 100

2006-06-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

hols here.not veri excited though.for once in my life so far,i hope that the hols are not here now.sigh.

i did not go for class outing on sat.it was sentosa.wow,i did not want to go sentosa.lolx.bt i think it was a right choice after all... x) went for lunch with cy,val and kwan on sunday.then we went to buy stuff for people.really enjoyed myself.heex...finally bought a bracelet for myself!!!yeah! xD

well...my mum's sick and now,i feel very responsible for her...i was startled by myself. x) but i suppose feeling responsible for your mum is great!lolx...she was sleepin the whole day...envious of her.haha.

today is the last day of extra lessons in sch and it means the start of serious studying.
~~fear.~~ x(

hmmx.i guess i am feeling better now but stil feeling tense/anxious.lolx...i have plans and thoughts i want to carry out...but they wld not happen just cos i want them to.bleh!!!tat's sad...

today is 5/6/06.tmr is 6/6/06...

this place is full of mysteries and questions.

how???

2006-05-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

well...i thought i would feel better today after last night but i was very wrong.i could not sleep last night.finally slept after major breakdown and i slept for less than 6hours.is this self-torture?lolx.

i did not go njc's funfair with table tennis girls but i was kind of thankful that i had to stay home.because i was still feeling very lousy.sigh.my mother was so stunned when she heard that i don't want to go anywhere today because it is very rare that i want to chill out at home.lolx.so can i say these are very serious?hmmx...then i walked (and ran at some points) to and fro the same path near my granny's house during the night for 1 hour plus.i felt that that 1 hour was the only time for the past few days that i am not thinking about those stuff.however,1 hour without those worries is not enough.sigh.

what is then the right thing?say or not to say?
say-weird;nuisence;irritating
don't say- i am behind closed doors

HOW?

pathetic

2006-05-20T00:20:00.000+08:00

bad.bad.very bad.

why is it so difficult?it is such a simple wish.why cant i have it? x'(

my brain is occupied.i cant keep my mind free.i cant sleep!!! x'(

why is everything getting from bad to worse?

i need to rely.rely on something.rely on someone.BUT there is NO something or someone.

pathetic.

why!?sad!?

2006-05-08T22:25:00.000+08:00

i really have no idea why i behave like this. x(

really hesitating and confused. x(

to summarise everything : not okay.not smiling.

sorry.

GL!

2006-05-05T22:59:00.000+08:00

mid year exams end today!yeah! (:

mr tan treated table tennis school team's sec4 to dinner...but only 7 turned up- 6 girls and a jason.lolx...nonetheless, we enjoyed dinner! =D
then the 7 of us went jec to take neoprints.very funny.hahahaha.

went online.

old came and crap talk. x/
"regretted"...
"nvm,suan le.dowan spoil ur relationship"...
what are all these?CRAP!arghx!!!!

everyone making tonight so guai4 lan3 online. sighx

why???

2006-04-30T22:40:00.000+08:00

cry!scream!
why am sad?why do i wanna scream?WHY???

am i going nuts?

drop.drop.
x(

where is my bed?where is my pillow?where is my blanket?
i want to feel safe

mid year?!

2006-04-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

mid year is starting next week,next monday.to be honest,i am really afraid but i do not know excatly what i am afraid of. x/

went home immediately after school today... xP
then i went je lib to meet the others to study.heex.it feels better to study when wearing home clothes. xD well...we stayed until 7.30 then went to eat dinner and we sat in the foodcourt and chatted until 10pm.lolx.the topics that were brought up were very interesting and made me think.[the topics were some causual stuff about what we want in the future...like where we want to go for our honeymoon!hahaha] i suppose i have not felt so relaxed for the past few weeks.thank goodness. x)

"i think it is impossible for someone to get married with their current boyfriend/girlfriend.we are still young.it is very difficult to make the relationship last for so long,until our mid 20s and get married.of course,you will hope that the relationship can last,but there is the huge possibility that you two will break up.hence,it is better to recognise the reality than persuading/lying to yourself that both of you will last,that the both of you will walk down the road together forever..."

"if it is this way,then why do you get into a relationship?for fun?for experience?if you are in a relationship and you really like your girlfriend/boyfriend,you will believe in the love you two share.thus,you will want the relationship to work out.then you will take good care of the relationship and do not let anything come in between and cause break up.if there is no break up,you and your girlfriend/boyfriend can surely get married..."

perhaps both are right in their own way...? x)

studies---depressed

2006-04-14T22:23:00.000+08:00

whenever people tallk to me about studies.i will get depressed...that happened last night and tonight.i get so depressed that i can almost cry immediately.i really do not know why i react that way.i am puzzled. x( how come my days are ending so sadly recently?why? x'(

~~frustrated.pressured.~~

look beyond the sadness and tears; i failed to do so.
smile; i am trying.

aft 1 month... x)

2006-04-13T21:21:00.000+08:00

i realised that it has been almost been 1 month since i last updated but it did not seem so long ago.well, this is how fast time can pass... x(

this 1 month...
+ sleep over at my house during march holiday
+ lessons and homework
+ tt competition
+ end of rvtt for me
+ napfa test

...these are as much as i can remember x)

i will not be attending training sessions anymore. felt sad on the last training session. x( when will we (rvtt girls) come together and train again?hmmx.i will miss the time spent together during cca.oh man...really love my rvtt mates so much. xD

i finished napfa test today.last 1 in rv and perhaps the worst.oh well...silver... x/

haix.studies...i really do not know what else i can say or do to myself to push myself,to motivate myself anymore.i am afraid that i may just give up...why am i so useless?haix. just feel very apologetic towards those who believe in me,even though i disappoint them over and over again...perhaps all these sound so cliche and dumb but...oh well. x/ what is WRONG with me???argh. x(

sometimes i hope that my parents can be stricter and do not treat me so well...i feel very contented with what i have now then somehow that make me less motivated or determined to improve or move up because i know i can always fall back on my family...it is very wrong!!!haix.how wrong can my mindset get??? x( haix.haix.haix.haix!
i do not put the blame on them!never!

only 1 word to describe me : utter disappointment

haix. going through so many emotions now. x(

mama's birthday coming in 3 days time...i have not got her a present.haiya. x(

i am a auditory learner.i am a literal thinker.i am a influencing person. xD

i am...trying...

2006-03-15T22:03:00.000+08:00

damn.somehow,i managed to dampen my own spirits. x( am i thinking too much here?or am i just waking up and thinking about serious matters?
seems like many people are very concerned about the o levels and are blogging about preparing early for it. perhaps it is just me, but all these talk about preparing for o levels, lack of time and working hard, are kind of scaring me. x/ am i unconcerned about the o levels or i am trying to keep my anxiety under control?

i must wake up.i must not let the past pull me down.i know i am capable of more,much more but i am just not doing what is required of me to soar.i am pissed,i have always been pissed with myself for not delivering more-to myself and parents.i hate to disappoint them but i seemed to have failed them over and over again.i m very sorry. x(

i am scarred.i am scared.i am pushing.i am...trying...

bali trip!

2006-03-14T20:13:00.000+08:00

okay,i am back from my trip! :D really enjoyed myself there. i saw sunset!very beautiful sunset!so happy!heex. however,i did not get my sun tan. x( we were always on the move in the van during daytime so i was not exposed to sunlight long enough to get tanned.blehx!but...at least i got a little darker... x) lolx...oh ya...the view from the plane was fantastic too!the clouds and land and sea...i could see the whole landscape. xD i love taking aeroplanes...hahahaha :D

actually,i am rather amazed by myself.haha. x) i actually reflected on things that i came across during the trip and i wrote them down.wow! [perhaps these reflections do not mean much to people,but i feel happy that i gave thought about things. xD]

1-- there were peddlers who came surrounding us when we visited from one place to another. then they started to sell their goods to us, and as typical singaporeans, we bargained for lower prices...i thought...those people were poor enough.so why don't we just pay how much they say their goods were?we should help and benefit them,isn't so?or should we bargain for lower prices and benefit ourselves?so the bottom line is whether who we want to benefit?

2-- there was particularly once, when we went to see the padi field.there were also peddlers who came to us.there was this boy(around 9years old) who kind of "cling" to us up til we went back into our van. instead of feeling irritated at him,i felt sympathetic towards him.he was very cute too (: the main point...before we drove off in the van,that boy drew a heart on the window where i was sitting close to...and he smiled at me!he was so sweet!the image of that boy with the innocent smile keeps coming back to me.it is very heartwarming. =D

3-- this also involves the boy mentioned above...i bought a pair of roxy board shorts at rp 365,000 ($65) the night before...then that boy was selling pencils at rp 10,000 ($2) each...then my mother was telling me..."those children have to come out to sell pencils and few people actually buy from them.you see,you want to buy the shorts which is so expensive,we also buy for you.do u know how many pencils must they sell to have the kind of money that you used to buy your roxy shorts?some more,the money they earned are for their living expenses,not for buying just one shorts,like you...you are very fortunate.you must really appreciate what you have.well, then it really dawned on me...i felt bad about buying the roxy board shorts.it was like i did something very wrong. x( ahhh.but deep down,as a typical urban girl...i stil felt happy that i have a roxy board shorts and a roxy shirt now!did not expect my parents to be willing to pay in total $90 plus for my roxy board shorts and shirts!omg!stunned and thankful :D

4-- we went to see a volcano!well,we were at a mountain very near the volcano and admired the magnificent view of the volcano...haha. xD the scenery was beautiful and the weather was cooling.perfect. (= then something interesting occcured...on our way down the mountain,the van broke down. so,my family and another family were stranded on the mountain!so cool!it was very foggy(or hazy?) then the road seemed to "disappear" after a distance.haha.and coincidentally,a family was living by the road where our van broke down.we went to take a look at their house and the pigs they reared. another eye-opener... (: a couple of local passers-by even offered help for our broken down van.they are very friendly.i believe partly because they live in villages and the people's mindsets are simpler.they are truly sincere people...at least most of them...at least this is how i feel about them...we also saw 3 young boys who live on the mountain.they were looking at us and running about.they were playing,they were having fun... (: well...part of me felt envious of them as they are carefree,yet part of me felt sad for them.oh well...life is ironic.

seriously,i think that when we go overseas for holiday,we should not always go to cities to shop and look for luxurious things...sometimes,going to less developed countries where there are magnificent sceneries and friendly local people are better than developed countries... =D

trip to bali

2006-03-11T08:44:00.000+08:00

hey!i am at the airport now. =D waiting to board the plane and off i go to the sunny island!haha.looking forward to the sun,beach and everything!hahaha =D

hmm.i shall also use this time to reflect and think about this past few months and what i am going to do in the near future...really want fo find my direction. x) lolx...

i suppose this shall be all... x) will be back on tuesday.take care,people!

bball west zone '06

2006-03-07T20:43:00.000+08:00

today missed maths lesson to go parliament house for sit-in session.i thought it was very cool initially and it was indeed very intriguing! :D i actually thought about going into politics.can you believe it?!haha. =P after that, a handful of us took cab to catch the basketball west zone finals. yes,we took cab!we very supportive right...hee. xD well...we were leading-initially-but our team did not make it in the end. x( i cried.yup,i did.i am emotional. xP i felt the disappointed.i felt the pain of losing after leading in the front.perhaps i was thinking too much but i really felt so... x/ so now i guess....everyone shall fight on during nationals!-to all sports teams... (:

this has been a rotten week.i am aching all over and things are just not going my way. x( and there is the stupid progress report.ahhhhh.i am so so so dead.haix haix haix!really looking forward to this saturday....then i will be leaving all these crap temporarily.i want to fly,i want to fly away!!! xD

"My fate has been mapped out"?
"A person's character determines his/her fate"?
which is true...?hmmm.

west zone' 06

2006-03-03T21:08:00.000+08:00

today marks the last day of table tennis west zone competition.rv did rather well this year! (= all the four divisions are in top 4!heex.can say...i am proud of rvtt!heex.hmmx...it is only when you are a part of something then you will feel that you belong there and really put yourself into the thing...am i right?

why is logical thinking so important,or rather,seemingly so important? xP why can't people judge from another point of view?this is reality.this is the real world.this is how sad life is. x(
there are people who look down and me,right?perhaps they do not show it,but they do look down on me...right? x/ why must they judge me?i pretend to be okay.i pretend to be oblivious.but i am not okay.

27/2-new start

2006-03-02T21:30:00.000+08:00

common tests.i did badly.i suppose it is deemed horrible by many people...this is what i have gottem,this is what i have done.i was unable to concentrate.i did last minute revision.i did not study hard enough.it seems like the same thing keep happening.i have been pushing myself and change for the better.sometimes i feel that i have succeeded yet,there are even more times when i feel that i just failed myself.i can only say i am frustrated with myself.it is so stupid. x(
but i will pick myself up and strive for the next exam.i have to.nothing is for granted,i know that.haix.

i have been telling myself to believe in myself but it does not seems to be working.what did i do wrong?what am i suppose to do right?hmmx. x/

it is always when i am alone that all these unhappy thoughts come to my mind.i don't like to be alone.yet,i enjoy the quietness of being alone... <3

i am forever contradicting myself.how wonderful...

i started afresh.more is going to unfold and i shall just go with the flow and see where this brings me to. (=
i will be happy. (:

2006-02-25T23:23:00.000+08:00

common test ended.will do very badly.i know how i performed and i sucked. x/

things occured but because common test was still ongoing so i did not update and after common test ended,no mood to update.in conclusion,i have things to pen down yet i did not pen them down.lame yeah... x/

oh well...

went to sentosa today.not exactly very fun but still fun la. (= played volleyball and got hit by the ball.it was wanyi's fault.lolx.now my head a bit swollen... x( hahaha.no tan today... x( nevermind...next time...heex.

i am going for a short trip during march holidays! =D praying very hard that there will not be any activity that i must participate on the days i am supposed to be away.haha. x)

i am overwhelmed by your words.so flattering.so sweet.i am like "what is going on?"...haha.so funny.thank you.perhaps all the hard work will pay off... x)

2006-02-19T12:28:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a fun and interesting day!it has been quite a while since i actually laughed my heart out and truly enjoyed myself without thinking about ~~unhappy things~~.

went to study in the morning.not productive at all.blehx!then went to buy people's birthday presents. (= and we went weekiat's house to play mahjong!oh my god!i actually learnt how to play mahjong!haha.gonna be a mahjong addict.lolx. xP but before reaching weekiat's house, we were drenched!rain was damn heavy.wind was damn strong.then i even went to walk in the rain when the others were hiding from the rain. -.- what can i say?I LOVE THE RAIN.heex =D wet but happy.it is like the rain just goes right into you,inot your heart.anyone knows that feeling? x)

then it was the highlight of the day-choon yen's birthday party at KAP mac!we were very enthusiatic!we really behaved like little kids. really enjoyed myself.really.everyone was so funny.haha. (= thank you choon yen!heex.after went home loh.

tired.
mentally drained.
stressed.
pondering.

~~why did you appear again?why make me think of everything again?why make me think of a possibility?are you even least serious?oh well..."thank you"~~

past & passion

2006-02-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

table tennis.
feelings.
lots of felings.
things occurred.

i played horribly on e previous match.really horribly.it was like i could not even get simple balls across the net.how bad can things get? x( i had no confidence.think it was very obvious to everyone. x( i was well aware of my lack of confidence but it was like no matter how i tried to physco myself,i could not have the belief in myself.ahh.was so damn ~~pissed~~ and ~~disappointed~~. x( bottom line-have confidence!sounds simple?doing it is hard for me.to the people i disapponted,to the people who were unhappy with my poor performance,to myself - i am so very sorry. x(
i am not playing on monday- against a school which is coming up.did i ~~implicate~~ val? x/ people are feeling upset. x( main cause-table tennis or things related to table tennis.oh well.seeing people and things happening this way.no one feels good right?

i was stunned.what can i say other than thank you?i don't know. x) it is complicated.or did i complicated a simple matter myself?there are different opinions given.so...?am i being selfish?it is like, all these feelings and thoughts keep repeating themselves in my head.kind of frustrating at times. x/ oh well...

fooling around?why give hope to a future that is almost impossible?it just bring things back...
[17/2/06.10plus in the night]
stil like me?you think want to let go then can let go?why cannot go back to the past?it is up to you.others are all in the past. there is only one person in my heart now.i still like.i still love.i did not forget you,our love.it takes courage to talk to you.i dare not talk to you because a bit shy.you stil love?i have no more chance right?we have known each other for 6years...

CL2 results

2006-02-10T22:07:00.000+08:00

today 10/2/06.O level's results are released. well,we got our CL2 results.overall,think we did well.i scored a1.very happi for myself. (: at least the hard work i put in for CL2 was worth it. my mother was also very excited.so cute.haha. however, before gettin the results, all of us were rather nervous, the atmosphere in class was so weird. x) lolx. now it is only one paper and we are already so scared over it, imagine next year when we have to take 8 subjects' results. will we faint?hahahaha O.0

after takin results, rushed to clementi stadium to watch bball match. managed to watch a bit og last quarter. we won! (: then rushed to tt training. oh the way to training, i was silent. suppose i was deep in thoughts?or i had nothing to say?hmmx.silence-- my fortress.then i was feelings real down and the rest need not be elaborated... x/ did rather okay during training in the later part, quite happy with that... (:

saw quite a few old-time friends. they still remember and regconise me. it was really a very nice feeling to be remembered when you feel that the world has neglected you, left you behind- alone.oh well.

confidence.i suppose it has always been inside of me but i did not let it out,i did not let it come out to conquere my fears and worries. but i am learning now and i believe, very soon, i can stand strong against all odds.rite?

valentine's day is coming.nothing is going to take place,yeah? x/

2006-02-07T21:16:00.000+08:00

okae.i havebeen sensing some feelings in some people.i care abt their feelings.i wanna talk and try to comfort. but i get the "vanessa, do not come to me" the feeling. this bothers me.i wanna help... x(

when i have faults,just let me know.i wanna improve too.do not be afraid to hurt me.thanks.

i have woken up.so stop telling me to wake up.it is kind of irritating and seems like you don't trust me.damn.

competition starts tmr.must give my best while playing.
if you tink you can,you CAN!

rvtt!

2006-02-05T11:53:00.000+08:00

it seems like everyone is troubled/thinking about rvtt. honestly, tis 3 days, rvtt has been in my thoughts. i tink it has been quite awhile that i actually gave so much thought about rvtt. shame on me?everyone has their own area of concern/thoughts as heard from them and seem from their blogs. i believe we are sticking together.i believe all of us have high expectations.i believe we are all preapared to give our best this year, especially the sec4s. i believe no matter what happened, there are no unhappiness or whatsoever among us.tell me that everything i believe in are true. x)

is all these [coach and tchr and treatmeant] to teach us a lesson for not apprecating coach mao enough last time?actually, we do not dislike him. it is just that he talks a lot during training and sometimes his words are too straight and hurt people's feelings but those words make sense and urge us to work harder. most importantly, he was not biased and we learnt a lot from him. we are what we are because of his guidance. agree? he was like a ci2 xiang2 lao3 gong1 gong1, at least i feel this way.

if what was told to me is true and confirmed...
i am feeling pressurised, both externally and internally.
people say "vanessa,you lack confidence."
vanessa says "yes,i know i lack confidence."
i will try my upmost best to win over myself, but in a couple of days?hmm.
i must not let external factors affect me. "i see my strength"...got to say this to myself?

i will type my entries in proper english from now onwards.just have this urge suddenly. (:

i nt stupid too

2006-02-04T21:56:00.000+08:00

had more things to say abt ytd's training.but cld nt reali find words.so 4get it. x/

met aunts n families for lunch.all my cousins brought their gerfrens/wife-to-be along.was kinda of observin each pair...dey were all diff, in terms of e way dey behave as couples n e gers themselves.rather interestin watchin them.lolx...hmmm.den ppl were makin comments abt e gerfrens/wife-to-be. it is reali human nature to observe and comment/critcise ppl...yeah?hmmx.oh well.

watched i not stupid too.finally.ppl said will cry abt twice or so during e movie.but i tink i almost cried thru e movie.seriously,duno y i felt so sad during e movie n i juz cried,cried.duno...
anyhow...dere r parts where i reali felt for e movie.they r true.they r relevant.
i m lucky n i thankful for tis.but sometimes,i juz take them n e things they do for granted.

once you throw it[child] away,it[child] will be over.
with dreams, u hav hope, direction n strength.
give more compliments n encouragements.
appreciation is a powerful force.
look at e virtues of a person instead of his/her weakness.
alw listen when someone talks to u.
dun ever use ur pt of view n tinkin on other ppl.try to see things frm where dey r.

wad's e pt?

2006-02-03T21:08:00.000+08:00

once again tis morning.i saw.u saw.feelings n tots surfaced.a bye was said to u, only tat it was said inside...hw did u felt? x/ so near yet so far

had training.
team?wad's a team?wad's e purpose of a team?
i suppose i noe where i stand?perhaps i shld nt occupy a space in it.those who deserve it more than i do shld b in.
ppl r unhappi.so wad's e pt of tis all?

feelin e pressure again.
more white hair.
damn.

o.O

2006-01-28T22:42:00.000+08:00

oh well...!wad did my actions show?completely duno hw i feelin nw.oh man...

-are things so easy to forget?
-us?its nt easy to forget.but stil hav to let go wad cos no choice.i kipin it.but din let it out.din tell others.
-will u stil tink of e past?
-i wun wanna tink abt it.make me sadder.
-but is nt u purposely tink de,it juz comes to ur mind.
-ya.have...

its over le.i noe.i accept it.i kinda want it tis way.but its e "cant bear" tat is hauntin me.
its abt a her nw.no me.its okae.i feel okae.happi perhaps.2 years plus...juz lidat...5 mths...gone.perhaps it wasn't even deep in e 1st place. x)

cny eve.but sad...?

2006-01-28T22:14:00.000+08:00

seriously,i dun feel happi tis CNY.so diff frm e previous CNYs.why...i m nt even anticipatin CNY.hw bad can it get? x/

Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
2. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. You are special and unique.
7. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

are they true?or at least r some of dem true?hmmm.lol.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

last part...true?

i will try to reali perk myself up.i wan to.i nid to. (x

so much happenin

2006-01-27T23:20:00.000+08:00

hmm.had many tots and feelings tat i wanted to pen down here...BUT my com was sent for reformatin soi cld nt update.sian...nw i cant recall wad excatly i wanna write n hw i felt.hmmmx. x/ oh well...so i shant write abt those stuff. x)

today had early dismissal due to cny celebrations.nt all schs had early dismissal loh...heex. xP but my day started off badly. x( i was feelin unwell...lack of slp+super hungry+gastric/pain 4 no reason=unwell...sian lor. x/ so i wasnt enthu during celebrations at all...blehx.lolx.den i felt beta ltr part in e day. xD
it started off badly.it ended off great. (:

actually was supposed to hav 6j'02 gathering at orchard.but everyone nt goin...except me n anth fren.oh well.den we decided to cancel it.sadded...!veri long nv meet le,wanna catch up de lor. x( haix...wad to do.blehx...

hmm.seein their behaviour,i was reminded of myself;my past...nt a nice feeling. x/ suddenly juz felt so redundant lor.oh well... x) hahaha.lame.

grandpa! x(

2006-01-22T11:25:00.000+08:00

cny is on nxt wk but ppl dun seem so excited abt it anymore...why?hmmx.
perhaps i whld hav been more excited abt cny but sumthing juz kinda kip me back frm enjoyin. x/
i noe all of us miss him.but no 1 is speakin abt it,for fear of upsettin e others.i noe we hav to move on,n some of us hav.but i stil misses e time when he was arnd us,for me,it had been 15+ years.it's stil kinda hard for me...
tis yr's cny will b diff.dere will b 1 less pair of chopsticks n bowl at e reunion dinner.mum does nt nid to buy clothes for him.i will nt get to see him sittin on e couch.i will nt get to say greetings to him.i wun b able to call him.i wun b able to smile at him.
r u watchin us frm where u r?

i feel like tellin dem hw much i miss him but i m scared of makin dem sad as well. x(

faith...?

2006-01-20T21:05:00.000+08:00

hmmx.today marks e end of anth sch wk.feelin rather lethargic tis few days.i wonder hw cum i feel lidat...hmmx.

hmmx.where do i stand among dem all?perhaps i m at e bttom?i reali tink so...or mayb is i hav too little confidence in myself?i duno.i reali dun... x/ gotta hav faith?hmmx...

i seem to b veri confused.nt sure of myself and my feelings.seriously feel like a failure...oh well,i feel real downcast nw.

once dere is e prob,it will alw b arnd...unless it is solved n get rid off. x/

i m tryin to b veri careful while handlin tis relationship.deep dwn,do i or do i not?i hav been askin myself repeatedly but i dun get a constant ans tat i nid...ahhh.i hav to tink for other ppl.i cant b selfish n take things slowly...but...i cant seem to get e ans i wan.sry for draggin.thx for stayin.

i will nv wanna hurt anth person. x)

complicated

rv concert!

2006-01-15T00:47:00.000+08:00

:D

juz nw wen to rv's 50th annivesary concert...or shld i say i wen dere ytd...?lolx.enjoyed myself alot!hahaha.

tes,ken n xw came my hse 1st in e morning...den we met wz n xr at orchard.we spotted many handsome/cute guys.lolx.den realised tat ken n i r quite similar in our taste?hmmx...haha...
today was oso a interestin day...~~3 of us saw 3 ppl coincidentally.~~hmmx...

fate?

i seem to b similar to many ppl...a few points frm each person.lolx.so m i a combination of a few ppl?hmm....lolx.

thankkew kwan kwan lao gong for e rose!love it! :D

my heartbeat seemed to hav increased a little.i care abt the presence.wad do these mean? x/

disappointed

2006-01-13T21:11:00.000+08:00

veri disappointed wif myself again!!! x( i played ~~badly~~.haix.super duper ~~badly~~.damn it.ahhh.i was super pissed wif myself.i had the black face lor.lolx...den i kinda injured my right ankle...its like both of my legs r injured.wth. x/

it seems like everything i do,i suck in them.regardless studies,cca n wadeva...so...i m feelin sooo angry wif myself!!! x( everything juz seem pointless and hopeless...haix.wth.

BUT...tmr is RV's 50th anniversary concert...so i m gonna b hyper n happi n enjoy myself tmr wif frens!aftall,tmr's concert will b my last as a RVian...hahahaha. x)

haix.i wan coincidence.

huh?!

2006-01-10T08:29:00.000+08:00

these few days hav been raining...like e rain's supply is nv ending. -.- hmmx...but i stil luv e rain though :) lolx.m i makin sense here?i duno...
its like i hav so many things i wanna accomplish.i hav so many thoughts and i wanna make dem work out rite.but...i cant seem to get any of those done...the feeling is so...frustrated?disappointing? x/
gotta believe in myself.i m able to accomplish e things and i can make dem work out rite.i hav to believe n juz keep strivin. (:

can i?

L.O.V.E

2006-01-07T22:37:00.000+08:00

Now, if Love is painful, and tortures us so,
why do we Love?
Why is it all we search for in life?
This pain, this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture, this powerful death of self?
Why?
Because it's...
Love

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

sometimes the one you love turns out to be the one who hurts you the most, and sometimes the friend who takes you into his arms and cries when you cry turns out to be the love you never knew you wanted...

wow!

2006-01-06T20:45:00.000+08:00

wow!veri fast...the 1st wk of sch has juz ended...tis whole wk,kinda all play...gotta enjoy nw cos aft tis wk,everything wil b veri hiong le.bleh x/ hahaha.

wanted to type a complete entry but aft tokin to ppl on msn...i changed my mind...haha. xD nt cos of negative things loh... xD

spoke to him.he initiated e tok.he asked me to find sum1 beta.duh...i oso noe tat.he said he nt my type and tat he is uncaring.wad's e pt of sayin all these nw?lolx.a fren agree wif me tat he tink too fully of himself!hahahaha.all i felt was pissed n no other feelings...wad a great thing. (: hahaha.den he said he got a gf le...hmm. abit taken aback tat he actually managed to get 1...hahaha.but i din felt sad or anything like tat...hahahaha.perhaps he was tryin to make me jealous...but it did nt work.lol. xP oh well...nw...he lead his life..i lead mine...i m leadin a happi life.lolx :D

new year.new start.

2006-01-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

i shall start frm my stay at e chalet n countdown. (: hmmx...chalet was fun esp when maria,kwan n val came to join me.we had so much fun! :D den countdown...we were veri high.esp me!hahahaha.1st time countdown at a proper countdown "party"...veri nice!heex.den aft countin down to 2006,we stayed for an hr plus to dance...seriously,we reali enjoyed ourselves alot loh!!! xD hmmx...den aft countdown,i finally noticed hw tired my body was...aft 2e chalet,training to family's chalet...esp when i had veri little slp... x/ my mind was way out of sense.lolx.damn funni loh...when maria,val,kwan n i were on e mattress in e chalet aft returnin frm e countdown party,i juz spoke crap to dem.absolute rubbish tat made no sense AT ALL!hahahaha.den dey were stunned by me. xP lol.den today,cos i was veri tired...i juz slack in e chalet,din go anywhere.lol. xD

31/12/05...the case was closed.at least tat was e msg conveyed to me...is it true tat e someone will b waiting?i duno.m i suppose to say it out when one day i realised i actually hav feelings?i tink i shld nt tink so much nw...yeah? x/

2006.new year.sec 4.impt year.i hav to reach my goals.i will strive towards them.i will lead a happi life.i will not let anyone or anything bad get into my way.i m strong.yeah! :)
HAPPI NEW YEAR.ALL E BEST TO ALL :D

haix.wad to do?

2005-12-30T20:51:00.000+08:00

hmm.had 2e chalet frm 28-30...tmr i goin for family chalet but i asked a few frens to go stay to countdown with me :) lookin 4ward to countdown tmr...~~4 mths.~~

hmm.something happened during e chalet.nt veri nice.it will be solved soon,rite? x/

e ppl tat i dun expect to see by chance...i saw dem.all these r coincidences?

i figured tat dere r 2 types of guys.well,at least tis is hw i see things nw...one,guys tat u will link urself romantically with.another is,no matter hw much time u spend with those guys,no feelings will come out of it.

fate???

2005-12-27T21:41:00.000+08:00

recieved some more x'mas presents today.thankkew ppl! :D hmmx...kwan kwan gave mi e cd i wanted.wow!i was surprised when i unwrapped e present lor...din expected tat.veri happi.heex!tink i m gonna fall in luv wif her.LOL.cos she's such a nice ger la!!!everyone onli has praises for her loh.hahahaha.kwan kwan,r u touched by me?lolx.I M NUTS.today had alot of fun...esp when i was walkin in e rain.i love rain!lalalala. xP

was eating lunch den u walked past.u saw me den u quickly turned away.u din wan to see me?nt even a hi to me?den u walked hurriedly away n crossed e road.dere i was,lookin at ur back...for e 1st time in a long while,i saw u.but onli ur back.why?why din u bothered to stop n say a hi?hmmx.r we like strangers nw?i duno.i dowan to b strangers,but wad abt u?oh well...lolx.but i dun reali feel anything le...gd news?hahaha. xP is tis coincidence?

it started cos of fate n it ended cos of fate.it was a full circle.i suppose dere's nth more i can ask for.

x'mas x(

2005-12-26T11:30:00.000+08:00

hmmx.happi boxing day.tusnami one anniversary... x/ lolx.

tis year's x'mas is 1 of e worst.nth much happened n cos nth much happened so tis is 1 of e worst...din reali had alot of fun.din reali had alot of laughter.oh well...disappointed wif tis year's x'mas! x( i wan my x'mas back!!!my beautiful x'mas.the x'mas full of hope,wishes,laughter...i wan it back!hmmx.perhaps i shld juz look forward to nxt year's x'mas. x)

suddenly msg me.suddenly say tat kind of things to me.when e words r already half way out of ur mouth,u swallowed them back n left me hangin...i wanna noe.but u decided nt to say.hw cruel can u get?alw leave me hangin...i dun like.i hate it!hmmx.e feeling is nt so bad nw le ba.e time tat has passed hav made me learnt...i learnt to nt let ur words carry alot of weight.i learnt to go easy on myself.i learnt to nt feel hurt cos of u.i learnt to leave u behind slowly.i learnt to look forward to a more beautiful life.n i m gonna embrace my life,a life wifout u.thx for lettin me learn.mayb i wun b able to forget so quickly but i will forget slowly n one day,when ur name is mentioned,i will feel nth...feel like tellin u all these but on 2nd tots,i shall nt.why waste my time n effort tellin u all these?u r nt worth it. :D

juz finished watchin a korean drama.i saw abit of myself in it.so i juz wanna pen some tots aft watching e drama...no special meaning though.hee. xD

--used to even hear ur heartbeat.the dist was so close.nw,we r so far apart,like 2 strangers.i reali duno y things can change so fast n so drastically.why?

--ppl arnd u will say "juz call"...everything seemed so easy.but when u r in e position whether to call or nt,its hard.u juz cant bring urself to make e call which seemed so easy to others...

--the person who can bring u much happiness is oso e one who can bring u much heartache n misery.

well...my x'mas tis year is rather sorrowful yeah?mayb i sound sorrowful...but i dun feel sorrow ba. :D

yeah!!!

2005-12-23T19:31:00.000+08:00

today is x'mas eve's eve!

haha.today is e last training of e wk!yeah.finally can let myself rest le.heex.den aft training ended,i was so high!laughed n laughed den wished everyone merry x'mas n a happi new year.LOL :D

well...i noticed smth abt coach!he ALW laugh at me!!!initially,i tot i tink too much...den today,val told me she realised tat he laugh at me too.haha.whenever he trains me,he WILL laugh at me.den when he trains val,he veri serious. x/ i reali wonder wad's his prob lor.haha.m i so comical???do i look funni???is it i too lousy tat he cant b bothered to b serious wif me???feel like askin him why he kepp laughin at me.lolx.hmmx...weird weird weird! xP hahahaha.

hmmx.today got class outing-eat steamboat.well,i nt free la rite.den cant go.blehx. x/

read a fren's blog.well,one part in her n3 reminded me of myself la.haix...i was oso being ignored.my smses did nt receive replies.i wanted him back too,as a fren.but i supposed he did nt wan to b my fren.i was sad,real sad.i cried.but nth cld change e fact...so i forced myself to move on,to forget e person who brought me much pain.i duno if i had succeeded. x/ hmmx...writing tis nw,is bringin all e feelings back.oh well.haha.

ahh.wad's goin on?

2005-12-21T22:19:00.000+08:00

hmm.i dun understand everything.i dun get it...some things can reali change alot in a short period of time.or rather,some things can reali change alot because of some incidents...den dey can never be like before.den its like everything becomes awkward...I DUN LIKE TIS! x( i stil wan everything like before...nice,fun and happi.i miss e past.a lot.pls...bring everything back...my dear fren.i miss u.

dad's overseas...he wun b arnd for x'mas.hmmx.it will be weird wifout him. x( he's e
man...den he nt arnd.haix...miss him u noe... x/ hmmx.nvm.kinda used to it.lolx.

hmmx.seems like i miss many ppl.haha! xP

settled all e x'mas presents! x)

well...

2005-12-20T22:39:00.000+08:00

today had training again.we had a diff coach...nt veri nice. x/ but e few of us had a lot of fun.we were runnin to hit e ball.tink we burnt some fats...lolx. xD

finally finished wrappin all e x'mas presents.lalala...hope those who r gonna receive my presents will like dem... x/ i got a bad feelin tat some r nt gonna like dem.hmmx...oh well.

i m doin well.i m doin fine.i will alw stand up aft i fall.but dun make me fall too many times...cos it hurts everytime. x/

LOL. x) i wan everything to work out fine!heex

haix

2005-12-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

hmmx.second entry of the night...

well,tonite nt veri nice la rite. sob x( i noe wad i m doin.so juz let me be.pls...okae?haix. sometimes when you get reali tired, you can do extreme things. and i dowan to do tat. SO JUZ LEAVE ME ALONE. I HAD ENUFF LE.PLS LA :'(

~~hw i yearn for a shoulder now. i juz wanna cry everything out. i reali wan to.i hav kept the feelings within me long enuff.haix.~~

hmmx.i suddenly realise tat the feeling of tokin to a fren is so gd.veri long nv tok le...den nw tok...veri nice.hmmx.bring some smile to my face full of sadness... x)

rvtt???

2005-12-19T20:24:00.000+08:00

these few days...nth much goin on ba.boring. x/

today had training at sunsports club.its rather remoted loh.like a club out of nowhere.lol.no 1 goes dere either.haha. xP e place was damn stuffy!everyone was perspiring like siao.haha.e venue is veri diff frm bt timah cc la...so everyone nt used to it.lolx. x) den hav new coach for B div gers...nice guy.veri young for a coach.he is onli 21.haha.he is veri patient oso. xD

hmmx.i reali wonder.......r we veri nt bonded?r we reali veri bad examples?r we so lousy?

dere seem to b a wall between us.i dun like it.hw i wish we can b comfortable arnd each other n hav fun together...i reali wan.we r frens.

i nid to settle everything by x'ams eve!i must n hopefully will!bleh. x/

buzz off

2005-12-15T22:51:00.000+08:00

u juz irritate me so so so so much sometimes n i juz wan u to buzz off!damn.leave me alone nw!u duno y i chose to do things e way i did cos u r nt me.so dun judge wad i do base on ur own opinions n tots.~~shit~~

wen to do hmwork wif kwan...but i overslept tis morning!i onli woke up when she called my hse which was veri long aft e time we were supposed to meet. x/ felt so bad.but she din blame me.aiyo...she veri nice rite?heex. xD here's to qn to all...y dun we use white paint to liquid off e words we want instead of liquid paper?white paint is less harmful than liquid paper...hmmx [kwan raised tis qn] xP

feel free to let me noe e ans...i wanna noe.hahaha!

yeah!!!

2005-12-14T22:35:00.000+08:00

:D haha!my mood is so gd nw.lolx.

went for dinner n shoppin wif mum aft she ended work...we spent alot of money today.ha.we juz bought everything we had our eyes on.lolx.wonder wad's got into my mum...ha.we bought things for dad,my mum herself n of cos me loh.lolx.it was alot of fun juz tokin to my mum along e entire shoppin too :) i enjoy her company alot.lolx.hahaha...

hmmx.i was rather downcast last nite...but i suppose e feelings,everything were juz a spur of e moment...aft tat,i was fine le.ha!weird rite?!lolx.i even totally forgot abt e whole thing...esp today.heex.

lalalalala.i will follow my way!

x)

miss u

2005-12-13T22:20:00.000+08:00

went to cinema to catch "pride and prejudice".its nt bad.but i found it abit draggy.n i came to a conclusion...ppl of tat time were rather conservative.they onli kiss aft they got married.LOL.hmmx.it is juz a personl tot. x)

ahh.i duno.i duno if i m headin in e rite direction.i duno if i m rite in leadin on... x/

i realised tat i took things for granted in e past

~~i miss euu~~.but is it euuu i miss or e care n attention i had?i m supposed to move on n i hav.but sumtimes,i feel like goin back.but dere r oso times i feel tat i m doin e rite thing n i'll nv go back.the contradictin feelings r makin my life sad.

gleeful

2005-12-12T20:22:00.000+08:00

heyy!!!so so happi today!enjoyed myself.had alot of laughter.did nt think of anything sad...ha!

kwan,maria n i wen to city hall...walked at suntec n marina square.we watch perhaps love at suntec...[the jap prince maria mentioned in her tagg was jin1 cheng2 wu3] ha!the movie was rather nice esp the songs.heex :) den we wen to e korean theme cafe at marina square...kwan n i drank coffee n maria ate her half priced waffle.haha.dere had free access of internet so we were taggin at each other's blog.lolx.watched korean mtv dere too.we realised tat korean mtv r rather saddistic.blood n death...ewww.lolx...
smth i learnt frm the movie,perhaps love :the person who love you most is yourself. is it true?

maria flyin off at 11.59 ltr...haha.she is off to america n stoppin by at japan b4 cumin back.envy rite?!haha.i asked her to look out a bag for me...since i cant get to find the rite one in s'pore.ha!as for kwan...she went for kickboxin at nite.fun lar...!asked her to teach me.heex. :)

anyway...ppl called us to ask where was e tt chalet for other ppl.so tat means dere r many ppl who duno...?ha.i oso duno... x/

well.i did it!i msg...got an reply.but e attitude sucks la...so hostile towards me...den e contents of e msgs were so unfriendly.as if i did smth wrong to e freak...it wasn't me who did wrong. xP n i let off smth i had been wanting to say.perhaps it was wrong to say but i din wanna kip within me.so i got it off my chest...din even wanna consider abt e opp party's reactions.haha. xP so nw i m so fine!i m in a gleeful mood :) i was oso worryin if i wld spoil e day for myself...but pleasantly,i din spoil e day for myself!i din even tink abt it la.so i tink all these show tat i m already so over it all...feel so pleased wif myself.heex! =D

tink i will end tis year on a nice note...definitely hopin so! :)

heyy

2005-12-11T16:26:00.000+08:00

well...i did some minor changes to my blog :)

so lookin forward to tmr!heex.goin out wif ppl.tink we will tok alot?n laugh alot?haha.tat's wad i wan la... xD

tmr is oso a nt so nice day for me...hmmx.~~hw will i feel tmr?~~lolx.wad shld i do?hmmx.oh well...ha!dun tink so much larr...

i m in a happi mood!heex :)

nice day...

2005-12-10T22:10:00.000+08:00

went to mum's fren's hse today...had a small gatherin for e 3 frens...my mum n 2 other gers...i noe dem for a long time le.heex.so it was veri fun...e hse tat we went to...e owner gave birth to a baby boy a few mths back.den saw e baby again today.anderz veri cute.his eyes look so alike to his dad.haha...carried e baby,played wif him n i took pic wif him.anderz veri ke ai!!! :) den my mum n her frens chatted,well i joined in too la.haha.had alot of fun tokin...

so...finally...life is back into my life...!haha.nxt wk fun...but muz oso clear hmwork asap.ha! xD

had alot of fun tokin to ppl last nite on msn...well...chatted e lastest til 2plus tis morning.haha.recently,had quite many conversations wif ppl on msn which were veri fun and enjoyable...heex.

well...was tryin to install a programme into com so tat i can connect hp wif e com...ahh...i try to install until quite frustrated.lolx.den decided to try again anth day...haha... x/ hope i can get it done asap!i wanna upload pics n songs...!!!lolx. x/

ha!

2005-12-09T10:37:00.000+08:00

ha!it seems like i m bloggin veri other day...lolx.tis shows hw bored life is...ha!

frm tmr onwards,my life is gonna b more fun!finally!haha.anticipating... :)

mon is a ~~scary~~ day.i wonder hw m i gonna feel on tat day.lolx.luckily,i hav programme on to occupy my time n mind.heex.

foolish

2005-12-08T11:29:00.000+08:00

hmx.second entry of e day...nt even half hr frm e previous entry of e day...LOL...

seriusly veri bored at hm again.i did nt go out tis whole wk.no mood to go out...yet i m complaining of being bored at hm...diaox...i m nt motivated to finish up e leftover hmwork...how???lolx.its like i m laggin n laggin...purpose-less life at hm... x((

i was lookin at blogs of some ppl...i was hopin to see any tiniest news of ~~euu~~ in those blogs...i duno y...i noe i m behavin like a dumb ass.but i juz did it...pissed wif myself la huh...

love dem all

2005-12-08T10:58:00.000+08:00

ytd mum came hm earlier cos seminar ended earlier.heex.den we went salon...i went to trim my hair.hmmx.nw veri difficult to tie le.suan le,dun tie.lolx. :)

many ppl out of s'pore...go overseas...hmmx.reali do miss ppl...my frens.hmmx. x)

my mum is a veri gd person.can say i admire her n she is definitely a gd role model.she has done alot for us wifout complain.even things tat she nid nt do,she oso did for us,for e family.she nv fails to take gd care of my granny even if we hav probs ourselves.she says tat is responsibility...she will do wadever is needed of her n nt shortchange ppl...well...tokin to her everytime feels veri nice.she will teach me things...n remind me...n learn frm e mistakes she made n make sure i dun commit dem...she understands us n alw encourage us...she is fun to be wif too.i m counting my blessings tat i hav my mum as my mum...heex!

perhaps dere r many mummys like mine...but i stil love my mum alot alot. =D

yet another boring day

2005-12-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

hmmx.today stayed hm.yet anth day of boring routine....ahhh.feel so dead.ha!lookin 4ward to nxt wk so much! xD

my family is soo nice n sweet~
love dem all.

ha!on msn...den tok to zhihan...zhihan's bdae today!ha...tokin to him.den veri fun...happi...make my xin qing beta.yeah... =D haha.rare case sia.lolx.happi bdae!

today's nt bad aftall...hope tat i can slp ltr on.fingers crossed x/ haha.

it is stil in my mind.until e day sumone clear everything up.i will nt b free n happier.blehx.

dumb.sad.ahh.again.cos of euu.

2005-12-05T23:26:00.000+08:00

once again,i m updatin when its late...i seriously hav prob slpin.for nites,i juz cld nt slp peacefully.i will juz lie dwn n cant slp n i wld in e end,use e com.haix.wanna catch up on sum slp?pretty pls?blehx.perhaps my mind is too tangled up wif tots?again...?its like alw...ahhh.

we r veri diff?i duno.i seem to hav 2nd tots but yet anth part of me tink tat we shld go on...ironic

i msg.no reply.y?like wad i said in e msg?u reali ~~hate~~ me?or u cant get ur hands on ur hp?ahh.wad's goin on?i m so freakin bothered.aft i sent e msg,i din on my hp---cos i din wanna face it tat i received no reply.i stil wanna hav e tiniest delusion tat pehaps dere's was a reply but i cant see cos my hp is off...dumb of me rite?well...i was indeed rite,no reply.well,kinda expected so but stil...~~it feels sour~~.veri bad.i actually din on my hp for abt 24hrs.i actually did tat.it kinds shows tat hw badly i wanna lie to myself abt e reply.oh my...i cant believe i behaved tat way???!!!like some pathetic ger...nt gd.nt happi.

when den i can free myself of all these?where's my little fairytale where e word "unhappy" does nt exists? :(

sigh

2005-12-05T01:11:00.000+08:00

saw e photos of peeps preparing for ms ho's[now mrs goh's] wedding...dey seemed to hav alot of fun.wanna b dere wif dem too...play.but i ~~wasnt~~.
on second tots,perhaps its gd tat i wasnt dere.~~i noe y i tink so myself~~

ahhh...vexing...r we even wad we r said to b?do i reali noe wad i m doin?m i deceiving ppl n myself?wad do i exactly wan?perhaps i shld hav followed e idiotic idea my heart gave me n nt try to follow wad is rite,wad i shld do...?i duno.wanna cry,cry,cry.

haix

2005-12-03T17:07:00.000+08:00

hmmx.like i mentioned in e earlier n3 of today...i m so veri bored.ahhh.budden at least got ppl at hm to accompany me la...

i was lookin at my old entries in e archives since feb.well,somoe stuff i forgot came back to me.its nice to take a look at those past memories sometimes... x) hmmx.i realised smth too...dere's tis particular thing has been existing since stone age.haix.no gd!cos i haven solved tat prob.damn. x(

____`greyish sky

boring~

2005-12-03T12:38:00.000+08:00

today is 3/12...supposingly a veri fun-filled n schedule packed day but here i m ~~rottin~~ at hm.damn.
ms ho's wedding today.she invited 3g n 3d...i was reali lookin forward to it cos i love goin to weddings...full of love... =D budden...i ~~cant~~ go la...cos of e ~~death~~.hmmx.nvm la.its okae...ppl who went to e wedding n happen to see my entry,fill me in on e wedding.kkx?i m sure i missed alot of fun. x( lolx.

i m so bored at hm.ahhh.

lookin forward to my outings wif frens.i wanna hav fun.i wanna laugh.i wanna play.i wanna b happi.yeah... xD

things juz rush back into my mind.these r no gd.no,no,no.oh man... x/

sharks!

2005-12-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

okae.i had a mixture of feelings today.nt veri gd. x(

1stly,i woke up earlier den i intended to.its like i will alw wake up at tat specific time n i wun b able to catch any more slp aft tat.nt nice!i m tired! x/

nxt...i squeezed fruit juice for myself n cooked my lunch...for a gd 40mins.haha.aft tat,i enjoyed my lunch n drink over a movie. xD felt a sense of achievement tat i cooked a reasonable lunch n a nice fruit juice for myself!heex.happi happi!

ahh,den my nightmare started.or shld it b day-mare?oh well...i went over to my grandma's place cos i was gettin bored at hm.i was initially veri happi tat i will hav my cute lil cousin n sis to accompany me.but i was wrong!my sis got crazy n started scoldin me n hittin me n kickin me wen i juz got dere awhile.i was abused by her???!!!worst of all,she kicked my eye!i saw black n white when she kicked my eye la.damn her.i was soo pissed.but she din stop...she took e bloody remote control n tried to hit me.i blocked wif my hand n in e end,i got a bruise on my hand.arghx!i was so angry la!den i lecture her n kinda taught her a lesson?hmmx.but she is not gonna change her barbarian ways. =X haix...

at nite,visited my grandpa's bro wif family n grandma...he juz had an operation.well,he lived nearby so it was convenient for us...yeah.he was as lively n fun-loving as ever.tat's veri gd! xD haix.i dowan anth one to leave us.one is enuff.or mayb tat one was too much for us,for me.pls.no.i pray so veri hard.sad...

so...my feelings during tis veri day is a mixture...yeah?haha.hmmx. x)

new start! xD

2005-12-01T23:22:00.000+08:00

hmmx.today is a nice day? xD heeeeex

went to orchard wif val today.she wanted to buy jeans for her china trip n so we shopped for it.but b4 tat,we wen to watch "prime"...hmmx.it was veri funni but perhaps nt veri suitable for us,e 2 gers...lolx.abit too much kissin... x/ haha.yupp.den wen lookin for jeans aft tat.val cld nt find e rite one so we kept lookin.den finally jeans at billabong caught her eyes.lolx.she tried a few designs n sizes...den i was like e boyfriend waitin patiently for his gerfren to b done wif her jeans...den help her take bag n give some comments n stuff...HAHA...so fun la...for once,i feel like a carin and patient boyfren.LOLX.funni funni...den we wen lookin 4 my stuff-clothes or bag.well,cld nt find nice bag so i bought a shirt. xD haha.kinda lost track of e time n when i was done wif buyin my shirt,it was 6pm...wen i was suppose to b at wm at 6.30pm?haha.well,i was so damn dead...blehx.den met up wif parents n sister to watch "harry potter".finally!everyone watched it already la den abandone me.luckily my parents n sis wanna catch it too.heex. x) its was nt bad la...aft e movie ended den i ate my dinner...hungry hungry.cos i was late by e time i finished shoppin so decided to skip dinner.lolx.

hmm...den e qn was answered...
let's hope tat i hav made e rite choice for myself
let's hope tat tis will turn out fine
let's hope tat i will b happi wif tis
---11205---

test.day sucked.

2005-12-01T01:29:00.000+08:00

imagine u r in a hot air balloon tourin e world.suddenly e balloon decrease speed n starts goin downwards cos it is overload.wad will u throw off?
a-camera
b-big clock
c-big suitcase
d-light blub
e-lots of cans

tis test is to see wad prob u r facin nw n wad prob u wanna get rid of asap.

its accurate for all tried so far.includin me!so..u guys can give it a try...den pls tagg ur ans in my tagboard?hee. xD

the ans are....
a-camera-u r troubling abt ur future
b-big clock-troubling abt health probs
c-big suitcase-financial wise got prob
d-light blub-troubling abt family relationships
e-lots of cans-troubling abt e opp gender(relationships)

today competition...well,i ~~sucked~~.wenling was my 1st opponent.everyone was like duhh..of cos she will win...so i lost 1 game.nxt rnd,i won...den it was shi ning...duhh again...of cos she won...i lost yet anth game n i was out.fine...both of dem was 1st n 2nd la.so its was damn of cos tat i lost.fine.den my flu was horrible durin e whole competition.i even resorted to takin toilet paper to use...lolx.den kwan kwan took some more toilet paper for me.so sweet! xD haha.

tmr is 1st dec!!!hav been lookin to tis very day.it is when i will b reali free!n perhaps things will take a gd turn for me?i definitely hope so!but wad if things r nt as nice as i tink dem to b?aftall,reality is not tat nice... x/ oh well.lolx

hmmx.for e competition...i kinda tot tat if my 1st opponent was someone else,which e standard wld of cos b e same as me,i cld hav won n progress n perhaps i cld hav done soo much beta?!was kinda pissed.mayb u can call me sore loser.but i dun care.cos wad i said is kinda true?oh well.fine.fine.wadeva la... x(

arghx!

2005-11-29T22:47:00.000+08:00

wen to kacc to train for tmr's competition.well,it wasn't exactly training...? x/
i was enjoyin everything at 1st den suddenly,my mood juz dropped.hell...prayin hard tat tis wun happen tmr during e competition.if not,i will so damn ~~dead~~ n i dowan tat. x( haix.

1---y is everyone tokin abt it?dun like to hear abt it la...haix.
2---y muz he tell ppl?dun like him to tell others la.its like...private?damn him.
3---y does he seems to behave differently?ahh...or is it me...?

(2) i m juz so sick n tired.i will be over it.i m worth more than u will ever realise.

2005-11-27T15:11:00.000+08:00

here i m...online.so i tot juz update smth since 1 wk plus nv update le...budden i dun hav much to pen dwn.. x/ oh well...shall crap anyhw...

so i suppose everything is settled nw.decision is done...gone is e past,my past...i m gonna embrace smth new...a new phase of my life... x)

i duno wad to feel anymore...
sometimes it juz feel great...
yet times like now,its sooo fcuk up!

n i juz dislike myself NOW!!!where m i???!!!

2005-11-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

today did cip at ttsh den wen to hav lunch n did one phy assignment.lolx.at least smth done la.den wen hm for abt 1hr den wen out again wif mum n sis to met dad.lolx.i m kinda out e whole day? xP i edited some photos in my hp.den e photo of my parents was nicely done! =D n i send it to my dad n he set tat as his hp's wallpaper.heex.nice nice! xD

where is the fighting spirit???

haix.i duno.perhaps a part of me wants to go back.i noe e consequence of goin back but y i stil tink of goin back?i cant figure myself out.i m veri ironic.hate times like tis.e feelin suck!arghx.

r u afraid of me?angry at me?i duno.but i sense things hav changed a little...

mayb its nt so confusin as i tink it is but i confuse myself?or is it so confusin?mayb i juz tryin to tink deeper so tat e outcome will b rite?

tink i confusin ppl too.sry... x/

hmmmmmm

2005-11-11T22:46:00.000+08:00

todae last day of xtra lessons!so happi can.heex.den miss ho gettin married on 3rd dec.she invite our class to her church wedding. xD on her invitation card was a small photo of her n her husband-to-be.miss ho was like damn pretty la!!!so diff frm her normal self in sch.pretty bride. xD yeah...aft lesson,we went eat lunch n watch "the exorcism of emil rose"...haha.its a horror movie but...like for most of e time...i wasnt frightned.wahaha.feel tat i m so brave. xP lolx.den some's reaction were cute loh.hee.haha. xD fun fun...budden smth v dumb ~~spoiled~~ a bit of my happi mood.but i wun let it affect much la rite!heex. xP

1 or 2 rather ~~stunning~~ matters took place.n i was stunned...duh. x))accepted it but dun reali noe hw n wad to react.oh well.blehx!!!m i being nt so nice...? x
tis 2 days...kinda managed to communicate.hav nt had tis kind of "peaceful" talk.its juz like back to e old old past when everything was nice n simple...perhaps things shld nt b changed n remain it is nw den everything will stil b nice n simple...?or smth beta will come out of it?stil can?hmmmmm...

wow....

2005-11-01T08:56:00.000+08:00

cld nt slp.so here i m tryin to do smth(which is to blog).

o level cl was done!yupp.felt it was okae but shld b dun hav a1.oh well...shall wait n see. x)

had fun ytd aft e paper!was quite sian initially but ltr wen to watch movie.veri funni!laughed alot! =D all of us got a little teary though.n our "woman of steel" shed tears?hohoho!

i kip havin tis veri weird feelin goin on in me.it makes me feel so damn unreal.i duno hw i begin to feel lidat.everything seems so dreamy.m i lettin myself "loose" mentally so i feel tis way?or y?hav been ponderin for quite awhile u noe. =X will continue to search for my ans.i believe i will find it...rite?

she seems to hav mani prob n i reali hope to help her u noe.listen at e veri least.but...nv got e chance to reali tok.haix.perhaps i m a little worried?she's my gd fren can.hmmx...at e same time,i was able to b dere for other few ppl n help dem.i feel happi...!useful too?it feels great to noe tat u can b of some help to ppl arnd u tat u care abt. xD

me.wad's wrong wif me.u.wad's wrong wif u?u said all e stuff.but nw,e actions n words of yours dun tally u noe.wad's wif u?it has alw been lidat.i duno.damn.considerin e amnt of time spent,actually dere was no deep understandin?wad can i say...its like...useless,saddening,regretful,disappointing,unhappi...see...all e negative words.it is serious regret!arghx.we stil can b frens rite.so we shld juz kip in contact.dun shun me.pls.i stil wan a fren u noe.it will stil b nice to see u.n tok to u...considering i stil hav alot to say...?can give me a chance to say all e things i hav bottled up? Frens: is it so hard for us to be tis way?
its nt tat i dowan to let go.i let go already...but stil a fren...?

~~get out~~

end.start?

2005-10-21T22:27:00.000+08:00

today...1st day of cca since e break for exams.rather lag today.den...my foot ~~pain~~ again.arghx!it has been lidat for e past few days.wonder wad's wrong wif me... =X lolx.

today...saw overall results.wad more can i say?my results ~~suck~~ like hell.my previous results so damn pull me down can.but...at least i noe i improved.yupp...rite?so...i will focus on e upcomin o level cl paper.heex. x)

a fren kinda confided in me today.i m glad to b dere for my fren.at least i m of some use...perhaps i duno hw to comfort n cheer u up.but noe tat i will alw b willing to listen to u n lend a shoulder or some kind of help.if u tink u duno who to turn to,i will alw b arnd. ^_^

havin a weird feelin recently.reali duno hw to describe it.its veri diff frm e usual days.hmmx.stil tryin hard to figure e feelin out.blehx... =P

.the night.the sky.the quietness.the stars.my thinking.my dreams.my hopes.___am i stil hoping

stil want so see...

2005-10-19T08:39:00.000+08:00

in sch rite nw.quite early la...arnd 8.30am...heex.veri bored can... xD

these few days got back most of e papers le...well...stil okae la.most subjects improve.but based on my past performance,even if i improve le,stil v risky.haix. x(

17 over le...somehw hopin to see ur sms.

finally.over.

2005-10-12T14:09:00.000+08:00

okae...EOY juz ended today.my fate is sealed.stay or go...juz hav to wait n see.but i sincerely hope it will b gd news. xD -pray hard-
next up will be o level CL2 paper...of cos,aiming for a1 loh...lolx.hope i can do it...yupp yupp! =D got to stay focused for awhile more...den its party time!!!well...its already kinda party time nw.heex...
surprisingly,i din go out today...cos wanna stay hm and nurse my sickness...lolx.den tmr gt energy to play...make sense rite?lolx...so its veri bored nw.feel like playin my guitar and compose music again.passion is back!!! =D
life has been okae...i onli lost a person,no big deal rite...and i feel stronger and stronger tat it has been e rite choice. x) happi la huh...lolx.

juz anth day.but fun!

2005-09-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

today,thurs,8/9...busy aftnn...wen dad's party.fun fun.heex.juz got hm...played v long.heex.saw many ppl,diff kinds of ppl. x)

_{mayb is cos i used to havin sum1 to tok and crap to den nw,stil nt used to not tokin to e person.to change e habit of tokin to sum1 of such a long period of time,its nt tat easy la,at least for me...slowly,one day,perhaps i will learn...?}

2/9

2005-09-02T21:02:00.000+08:00

today fri.last day of term 3.veri not okae wif my academic.lazy piggie x( had el oral aft sch.kinda crap alot for conversation?coz wen other ppl take oral,onli 1 person waitin.den for me,i had 2 ppl waitin for me.lolx.hmmx.aft tat den came hm.sista hm today cos her sch celebrate tchrs' day to day.kinda dumb can...to me la.heex. xP hols cumin up yupp.

hopefully i can b productive tis hols.pick myself up[not cos of "u" but "sumone"].i stil nt used to tis sudden change in my life.smth tat i alw turn to but its nt dere anymore.i will adapt.veri quicky.cos i m strong n its nt worth it.yeah. x))

damn.broken.

2005-08-31T23:07:00.000+08:00

ahh...31th august...long,tiring,sad day!!! suffered alot injustice.damn it.i cant slp.teary...i cld hav feel liberated,happi,lighten...but...i feel used,deceived...ahhh. fcuk! i m sooo screwed up.everything is goin e wrong way.wad i do wrong?end of me?

okae_happi

2005-08-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

aft the previous n3 abt me being sad and stuff...i m beta now...tink much much beta...tat's gd,yea... xD well,i started of tryin to cover my sadness by being cheerful...den slowly,i reali felt happi.mayb i got used to e happi feelin or things reali became beta for me?hmmx.anithing la...LoLx....

hmmx...today...6th august...was out e whole day...went je...den bukit panjang...den lot1...den dinner at holland with da big family...den finally mount faber...as alw...i love tat place...actually,we went dere to see e fireworks which took place at marina south...we managed to see e fireworks!it was gorgous...! =D den went to e pub...saw e pool table den i got so excited.lolx...so i got my dad n uncle to play wif me... x) my dad damn zai...!n i reali mean it...lolx...he is my shifu... xD lolx...oh ya...i oso drank cocktail...is it alcohol?tink so...?hmmx...lolx...nvm...today is fun fun fun...anth nice outin wif e big family...

quite a few ppl bdae cumin in august...so happi bdae ppl...!my granny,auntie,uncle,cousin,sister and...of course...ME- vanessa...heex...

so...nite nite ppl...enjoy da national day hol... xD

sigh

2005-07-30T22:08:00.000+08:00

tis few days are rather depressin.i duno wad happen.coz of e tot i hav in my head?haix.feel like cryin every nw and den.i dowan lidat.i noe i cant lidat.but den.haix.wad the...haix.sad.sad.sad.

hav so mani qns.need so mani ans.but den...haix...

where am i?strugglin.drownin in tears.breakin.ahhhh.i wanna solve tis fast.i wanna work tis out.i wanna b okae and happi again.haix.

finally

2005-07-17T21:34:00.000+08:00

okae...i m not pissed animore.it was juz for tat period of time last nite... xD i m okae now...tink i over reacted quite a bit.blehx...

anihow...had a nice time stayin hm 2dae.played madagasca game wif my sis...LOLX.i was kinda screamin while playin coz i was afraid to fall and stuff...diaox.den i oso helped to prepare dinner...!!! =D nicex nicex.

i said everything out.finally.i dowan to keep it ani longer.now u noe...will u change for da beta?i hope u will reali do it and not say say onli. xD

superficial

2005-07-16T23:05:00.000+08:00

wen to sch in da morning 2dae.was drenched.was dere for less than 1hr den left.felt dumb.aft tat went out.n met parents at orchard ltr on in da aftnn.shopped arnd...den wen grandma hse.was veri tired...slept till mosquitoe bit den woke up.lolx.

came hm quite late...den came online aft quite a few days of absence. x) hav been feelin kinda gd da whole dae...den...tis thing happened.got pissed..._{so darn superficial.}added on by e tone n everything.hmph.4get it.i m pissed.

lalalalalalalala.see my heart...

hmmx

2005-07-09T23:20:00.000+08:00

hmmx.actually had things to write.but nw,wen i m in da process of typin everything out,i cant tink of anithing to write.juz great...

2dae sat.went out almost e whole day.which means...no hmwork done.die...haix.e followin wk is quite packed.blehx.wanna get thru it.lolx.

my life is nt tat bad aft all yea?hope so. x) i m alrite yea?positive.yupps...oh my... x)

_{why do i becum diff wen i meet u - quiet,abit moody.i duno y.den aft tat,i will kinda regret it.always like tis...why?hmmx.i m 1 weird fella.}

...

2005-07-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

da 1st wk of 2nd semester is over le.so fast loh.2dae went to esplande tat area.love it dere. x))) feel so rite dere.heex.gonna do hmwork soon.stil hv't do finish.blehx.tmr youth day...tink shld b goin out ba...heex.nth much to say lehx.hmmx...

myworld

scared

2005-06-25T23:18:00.000+08:00

did hmwork ytd wif e threesome again.wen bpp 4 e whole wk 2 do hmwork. x) met "so cute"... xP

wen airport to fect dad 2nite...he arrived at e same belt as me wen i came back frm taiwan.it was juz 1 wk ago...yet time seems so pass so quickly.sch is reopenin in 1 day's time...i wanna back in taiwan.i dowan all these to b happenin.ahh.

cut my hair short 2dae.tot to myself...everything will start anew.things will b diff.dey will b beta.i hope desperately.

reali veri ~~scared~~

sian diaox

2005-06-23T21:36:00.000+08:00

realised tat i may be da quiet type at hm...wen no 1 sees me. x) SiLeNce but not peaceful

has been goin out since mon to do hmowrk wif tes,et and aaron.muz thx these ppl for helpin me wif my hmwork.esp et n aaron for 2dae...~~maths~~.

shall nt put everything up...everything=sad stuff.

sch reopenin in 3days time.wad's gonna happen.i m afraid to noe.

ppl arnd me havin probs.sad stuff...cant help.feel bad.sori.

tis is a sian diaox n3.juz smth....END

haunting

2005-06-20T21:36:00.000+08:00

I wan e old me back.I hav seriously fallen to e bottom.i nid to get out.i want to get out.i dun wanna let myself dwn.i dun wanna let ppl dwn.i dun wanna gif up.i cant gif up.i muz buck up.

Aft tinkin sooo much,I noe e prob.i reali do-its me.i kip tellin myself I nid wake up n do smth.I can do it!reali...but y is it all tok n no do???I m veri veri upset wif myself.wad muz I do?wad can I do?wad’s wrong?sum1 tell me?xplain?y cant I do it on my own?wad went wrong during these few years?what did I do wrong?wad?why?where?

***constantly haunting me***

taiwan~

2005-06-13T21:30:00.000+08:00

harlo!i m in taiwan.nw is free time til 10pm den i din wanna shop coz i bought many things ytd n i m goin broke. xD well...hw everything in s'pore?hehe.things r fun here. =D muz update me kkx....if nt i will b lao kok kok soon.LOLX.oh ya...i m hua chi nw~ dere's tis cute guy who took pic wif me n val.LOLX.i sound sooo stooopid. xP okae....i shall sign off nw.hehe.buaix ppl...

fly away

2005-06-09T14:45:00.000+08:00

the time now is about 3pm in the afternoon of 9th june.i will be officially out of singapore in about 17 hours time. xD

i am flying to taiwan with a few cca peeps and other peeps from sec2 and sec3.hope that the taiwan trip will be a fun and meaningful one. =D and hopefully,~~i will cast those unhappy things aside~~ and go all out and play.i want to shop and buy lots of stuff...hehe.hmmx...and dear tessa had told me what stuff to look out for her.lolx.quan3 bao1 zai4 wo3 shen1 shang4. ;D

hmmx...i will be gone for 8 days.will be back on the 17th.and i will tell u ppl who visit miiii blog the happenings at taiwan.hehe. =D oh ya...i will miss u guys.tink of me too.kkx?take care too horx. x)

--stay tuned ppl--

pathetic

2005-06-08T20:42:00.000+08:00

perhaps its time i write an entry...as mentioned in my tag board,i typed a long entry a few days ago but i pressed the wrong button and everything's gone.fine.cld nt bother to retype tat nite. x) k...so nw i m finally writin.

hmm...wad can i sae...ytd was tues.went to sch in the morning to practise dance item for the taiwan trip.tink we will screw it up.[sry guys] x( aft tat wen to orchard with valerie and wen ling.we walked and walked and walked...bought a shirt wif val.the words on e shirt was kinda ap.hehe. xD gonna wear tat in taiwan!lolx.

went online last nite.den i began to feel sad...a while later,a tear dropped on my cheek.ahhh...wad the hell did i cry for???!!!i duno.i reali din noe why.ppl were askin me why but i reali cld nt find the reason and tell them.haix.i shld nt hav told dem tat i was cryin n bother dem n make dem worry for me...rite?i was selfish.i m a selfish pig.okae...den i decided to go offline.there was no pt continue stayin online... x(
sad nite

2dae stayed hm whole day...m called in the early aftnn.told me smth.i cried immediately wen she told me tat news.i did nt speak at all during tat phone call.i was cryin in slient.i hung up wifout sayin "bye"...i cried even more aft i hung up the phone.i cant believe it...i hav fallen right down to the bottom.i see nth but onli darkness.i m all by myself.i reali wanna get out of here.but i duno hw to get out.i cant find my way out.

i reali wanna b strong.sry.

great

2005-05-30T22:17:00.000+08:00

wen to do cip at ttsh in da morng wif a few other peeps.did tracin...for 3 n half hr. x) aft tat,wen novena square to look 4 food.i was damn hungry.lolx.but everywhere was packed coz it was luch time. >_< den found delifrence finally.=) lolx.ate lunch loh.but we were rather lang2 bei4. xP hahax.
den wen to watch "my boyfren is blood type B".its veri veri nice!!!funni n touchin!!! =D tes n i kept laughin.recommendin tis movie to ppl worx~ =D

2dae is a great day. ^@^

bought creative zen micro on sat.quite happi.but was i being selfish?hmmx.

tears

2005-05-25T20:53:00.000+08:00

has been at tis pg a few times since i last updated but i juz did nt hav da "inspiration" to write.hahax.finally changed my blogskin. xD wad a achievement!lolx.

2dae is 25/5.nt a gd day.1st thing in da morng,injured my ankle.veri swollen.veri pain.yet i hav napfa 2.4km run tmr.so ~~lucky~~ rite...blehx blehx blehx! x( everyone is against me running tmr.but i wanna run with everyone...hmmx...blehx.budden reali pain,dun tink can run.diaox.ironic ironic... xP

got back report bk.as expected.it sucks like hell!!!i expected results like tis long time ago.i noe i din put in enuff effort.i lacked time management.i lacked self discipline.i lack everything!!!da 1st thing tat came to my mind wen i saw my ~~horrible~~ results was tat i m gonna disappoint my mum alot.i hate to see her sad,disappointed n angry.seriously,i tink i hav wasted her money n effort n all she has given me.i noe i m in e wrong,veri veri wrong. \\____sry.i reali m,frm da bottom of my heart.to u,mum.to me oso.to everyone who placed their faith in me.i hav let all of u down.nw everything is gone.i noe i deserve it.so wad can i sae?dere's nth left to b said.all i can do is strive for e future.but can i stil make it?is it too late nw? --tears flowin dwn my cheeks.i cant control dem.--

mother's day celebration

2005-05-08T10:01:00.000+08:00

2dae is mother's day. happi mother's day everyone,esp my dear mama!

had mother's day celebration last nite in da form of a dinner.we wen da club "The Legends" to eat.veri fun loh.i took fotos of everyone!my aunt n her hubby,my uncle n wife,my parents,grandparent,etc. =D my lil cousins r so much fun.hehx.feel so old arnd dem...i hav a age gap of at least 8yrs wif dem... o_O hahax.
aft dinner,we wen 2 da lounge upstairs but those lil kiddos had 2 go 2 da playground.well,i was smuggled into da lounge too.hehehx.played pool.its fun fun fun. =) i lost 2 games,won 2 games...okae lar,hor?hehx.i reached hm at 12.30am...was darned tired but i njoyed myself...hahax.

its so great to hang out wif family.dere's alw laughter.yups!family rawkz.lolx. ^@^

perfect day

2005-05-01T11:24:00.000+08:00

had a nice day ytd...since quite awhile wifout stress n all those weird feelins n tinkin.hahax.wen tuition in da aftnn den wen lot1 jalan jalan wif 3 of my tuition guys.we took neoprints too.veri fun loh... ^@^ den ltr 1 guy left,e 3 of us wen to buy blended ice to drink...we sat at e floor outsyd lot1...we chatted.it was nice.dey kinda gav their opinions on stuff i was havin.hehx.aft tat we went off le...it was abt 8.35.lolx.we loitered for an hr plus.haha.den i rushed to granny hse to eat dinner n wen to airport to welcum dad hm frm japen...hahax.dere was tis young chap same plan wif my dad...he was so cute!his hair was veri nice... =X oh manx.hehex...oh ya...btw my mum drove to da airport n she parked da car in less den 5 mins...!i muz compliment her on tis!coz she seldom drive n she tinks tat her parkin is lousy.hahax...den dad bought baller-id for us...he bought quite alot...abt 10?haha.he sae s'pore dun hav tis design frm nike...seems true coz i din see tis pattern b4...haha...duno.lolx.
it was a perfect day ^@^

shootin star

2005-04-29T20:54:00.000+08:00

haix.2dae is da 2nd day of exams.n i reali tink tat i m veri unprepared.i m nt nervous n motivated at all.haix.why?why m i lidat?i dislike da way i m nw,reali...i juz dun lyk myself...! =\ wth rite...

alot goin thru my head...before n now.why do i tink so much?if i tink abt studies or useful things,its great!but i dun...i tink abt rubbish...!arghx...

---100% pissed with myself---

sHoOtInG StAr...In mY sKy...pRaY HaRd...WiShEs WiLL cUm TruE

bleak

2005-04-22T23:04:00.000+08:00

had been rather bz for da past wk or so.da same n borin routine lor,wad else...haix.actually din wanna update blog 2dae but changed my mind.~~these~~ tots are now in my head again n tis time,i wanna vent dem out! x(

seriously,i tink tat i m veri useless.i knda hate myself.why cant i b sum1 beta?i wanna strive for da beta.everything,includin me but i seem to b walkin in circles,at da same spot.or mayb i m retreatin?haix.why m i lidat?i m truly of no use rite?wad's so wrong wif me?i wan n i nid ppl to point my faults out...!ani1 wanna help me?tis is a bleak world.so so bleak.i m nth but juz a human livin arnd in tis vast world.
oh the girl in da mirror...sometimes how i adore u.sometimes how i pity u.sometimes hw i dislike u.
but wad can i do?i juz hav 2 accept all these rite?n i will b tryin 2 climb up tis mountain but each time i m gonna reach da summit,i wld slip n fall back to where i was n i hav to climb up all over again ---- strugglin

perhaps.maybe

2005-04-10T18:00:00.000+08:00

hmmx...reali has been in despressed mood recently...arghx.hw much do i hate tis kind of feelin...!i wanna get rid of tis feelin!but juz wen i tink i hav gotten rid of tis depressed feelin,i realised tat it has not leave me...at all.haix.suppose its all my fault yea?coz i allowed myself to b sad. x( i wanna b happi,cheerful again.wish i can get thru tis sOoN...!blehx.

mid year exmas startin in 2 weeks time. __determination//hardwork//confidence//concentration__

i can get thru all these...rite?seriously,i duno.i keep tellin myself "i can get thru these" but will tat b wad's gonna happen?m i lyin to myself?perhaps its all my fault...da prob mayb lies in me...mayb da solution is in me...ahhh...i m reali tinkin alot recently n mayb a little too much goin thru tis little brain of mine? x_x

tis week

2005-04-07T19:37:00.000+08:00

it was like so fast tat da wkn was over n sch daes were gonna start their routine again.den nw,its thurs n its gonna b wkn soon.da world seems to be movin veri fast in front of me.da speed is so fast tat i feel so giddy at times. =S

well...tis week rather slack lor.no h/w den i was hangin arnd everydae aft sch wif peeps.haha.2dae wen queensway shoppin cntr wif frens.bought fbt shorts.dey sae fbt shorts nt gd.shld buy nike or da other brands. =X lolx._heck den ken n i wen jec coz we promised our frens tat we wld meet dem dere.for no reason.lolx.okae...wen we were all gathered,we listened to mp3.our frens bring de wor.i m innocnet.lolx.aft tat we decided to take neoprint!we wen to imm.da journey to imm was kinda fun. =) heex.we had fun.i suppose lotsa fun...?haha.oh ya,n da neoprints turned out well...!even an ugly ger lyk me look presentable.LoLx! moral of da story: 2dae is a great day!both during sch time n aft sch... ;D hahax.

i shld nt bother myself wif things n ppl who r nt worth my concern n make myself sad.i hav seen thru certain things n ppl.n tis stinks...lots!

__LiFe;

2005-04-06T21:43:00.000+08:00

[i was updatin ytd but halfway thru,dere was illegal operations so all gone.here i m,typin all over again]

it has been over a mth since i last updated.wow,time reali do passes veri quickly.but sometimes it passes so qucikly tat i ~~hate~~ it. xP tis past mth had been okae - had ups n dwns n monotonous times...events,ppl's stories,tots,feelins,etc...seems like alot goin on huh?lolx. =S

too much stuff to write...so guess i shall nt write.lazy too...its quite late le.heex.

__life - abit rough;happi;sad;enjoyin;bleak;stressed;

reflection

2005-03-03T19:36:00.000+08:00

today was the finals for west zone table tennis.RV vs Unity.it was a veri tense match,2-2...den last single lost 2-3.last match's score was 9-11.we ~~lost~~.we r 2nd.we were reali hoping we cld get champion.den it wld b a veri joyous occasion!but to our dismay,we din win.oh well,nvm.dey import ppl but we r reali all made in s'pore...lolx.we'll train hard n b back nxt yr n get e champion...towards e end of e match,it was reali reali veri nerve wreckin!den duno y,i was so nervous til i teared... -.- i m lame rite?lolx.nvm...i nt e onli 1 who cried... xP but sumhw frm tis experience,i see myself reali caring 4 table tennis.i m attached to table tennis... ^_^

got back all e results except el for common test.veri badly done!i noe i can do alot beta if i put my heart n mind to it!
___`determination
___`motivation
___`self-discipline
___`dun b lazy
___`attentive

qns wif no ans

2005-02-26T21:53:00.000+08:00

wen to orchard 2dae wif tes.watched lemony snicket's da movie.found it rather nice! =) its heartwarming...sweet sweet.we oso saw quite a few ppl tat we noe.b4 we wen orchard,we both had da feelin tat we'll meet ppl we noe lor.lolx.our sixth sense r so accurate. xP

had an unpleasant late nite.was veri angry wif my sis.she's damn unreasonable.y muz i giv in to her?y muz i gif her things tat belong to me?y she alw wins wen she make lots of noise?i m freakin pissed! >_<

m i da one tat ppl see?do i portray a diff person in front of ppl?sumhow,its seems to b tis way but den again,i dun feel i m.i duno.but if i m nt 100% who i m in front of ppl,wad is da reason 4 me to pretend to b sumone else?i m tinkin too much?

so mani qns...but nt even an ans...pathetic...?

oh well,stinks & heck

2005-02-23T20:00:00.000+08:00

common test is cumin to an end veri soon.gonna hav da last paper on fri -add maths. x| a few days ago,i was stil complaining tat common test seemed to b never-ending n nw,its finishin.well,i m v glad tat its gonna end soon but i veri scared abt my results.sigh.i reckon tat i wun do well coz i tink i reali din put in effort.i noe i shld nt start regrettin wen everything is done.oh well,tis stinks! x(

juz realised a person share e same opinion as me on a subject.i was rather surprised at 1st.but tis oso means tat i m nt being paranoid or biased.yup!but too bad...sumtimes sum ppl juz dun see e whole pic.oh well,heck.

in all kinds of relationships,e parties invloved nid to maintain e relationship.u cant juz kip takin.