let_go; embrace ]]

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

damn.somehow,i managed to dampen my own spirits. x( am i thinking too much here?or am i just waking up and thinking about serious matters?
seems like many people are very concerned about the o levels and are blogging about preparing early for it. perhaps it is just me, but all these talk about preparing for o levels, lack of time and working hard, are kind of scaring me. x/ am i unconcerned about the o levels or i am trying to keep my anxiety under control?

i must wake up.i must not let the past pull me down.i know i am capable of more,much more but i am just not doing what is required of me to soar.i am pissed,i have always been pissed with myself for not delivering more-to myself and parents.i hate to disappoint them but i seemed to have failed them over and over again.i m very sorry. x(

i am scarred.i am scared.i am pushing.i am...trying...

_fairyland_
3/15/2006 10:03:00 PM

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

okay,i am back from my trip! :D really enjoyed myself there. i saw sunset!very beautiful sunset!so happy!heex. however,i did not get my sun tan. x( we were always on the move in the van during daytime so i was not exposed to sunlight long enough to get tanned.blehx!but...at least i got a little darker... x) lolx...oh ya...the view from the plane was fantastic too!the clouds and land and sea...i could see the whole landscape. xD i love taking aeroplanes...hahahaha :D

actually,i am rather amazed by myself.haha. x) i actually reflected on things that i came across during the trip and i wrote them down.wow! [perhaps these reflections do not mean much to people,but i feel happy that i gave thought about things. xD]

1-- there were peddlers who came surrounding us when we visited from one place to another. then they started to sell their goods to us, and as typical singaporeans, we bargained for lower prices...i thought...those people were poor enough.so why don't we just pay how much they say their goods were?we should help and benefit them,isn't so?or should we bargain for lower prices and benefit ourselves?so the bottom line is whether who we want to benefit?

2-- there was particularly once, when we went to see the padi field.there were also peddlers who came to us.there was this boy(around 9years old) who kind of "cling" to us up til we went back into our van. instead of feeling irritated at him,i felt sympathetic towards him.he was very cute too (: the main point...before we drove off in the van,that boy drew a heart on the window where i was sitting close to...and he smiled at me!he was so sweet!the image of that boy with the innocent smile keeps coming back to me.it is very heartwarming. =D

3-- this also involves the boy mentioned above...i bought a pair of roxy board shorts at rp 365,000 ($65) the night before...then that boy was selling pencils at rp 10,000 ($2) each...then my mother was telling me..."those children have to come out to sell pencils and few people actually buy from them.you see,you want to buy the shorts which is so expensive,we also buy for you.do u know how many pencils must they sell to have the kind of money that you used to buy your roxy shorts?some more,the money they earned are for their living expenses,not for buying just one shorts,like you...you are very fortunate.you must really appreciate what you have.well, then it really dawned on me...i felt bad about buying the roxy board shorts.it was like i did something very wrong. x( ahhh.but deep down,as a typical urban girl...i stil felt happy that i have a roxy board shorts and a roxy shirt now!did not expect my parents to be willing to pay in total $90 plus for my roxy board shorts and shirts!omg!stunned and thankful :D

4-- we went to see a volcano!well,we were at a mountain very near the volcano and admired the magnificent view of the volcano...haha. xD the scenery was beautiful and the weather was cooling.perfect. (= then something interesting occcured...on our way down the mountain,the van broke down. so,my family and another family were stranded on the mountain!so cool!it was very foggy(or hazy?) then the road seemed to "disappear" after a distance.haha.and coincidentally,a family was living by the road where our van broke down.we went to take a look at their house and the pigs they reared. another eye-opener... (: a couple of local passers-by even offered help for our broken down van.they are very friendly.i believe partly because they live in villages and the people's mindsets are simpler.they are truly sincere people...at least most of them...at least this is how i feel about them...we also saw 3 young boys who live on the mountain.they were looking at us and running about.they were playing,they were having fun... (: well...part of me felt envious of them as they are carefree,yet part of me felt sad for them.oh well...life is ironic.

seriously,i think that when we go overseas for holiday,we should not always go to cities to shop and look for luxurious things...sometimes,going to less developed countries where there are magnificent sceneries and friendly local people are better than developed countries... =D

_fairyland_
3/14/2006 08:13:00 PM

Saturday, March 11, 2006

hey!i am at the airport now. =D waiting to board the plane and off i go to the sunny island!haha.looking forward to the sun,beach and everything!hahaha =D

hmm.i shall also use this time to reflect and think about this past few months and what i am going to do in the near future...really want fo find my direction. x) lolx...

i suppose this shall be all... x) will be back on tuesday.take care,people!

_fairyland_
3/11/2006 08:44:00 AM

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

today missed maths lesson to go parliament house for sit-in session.i thought it was very cool initially and it was indeed very intriguing! :D i actually thought about going into politics.can you believe it?!haha. =P after that, a handful of us took cab to catch the basketball west zone finals. yes,we took cab!we very supportive right...hee. xD well...we were leading-initially-but our team did not make it in the end. x( i cried.yup,i did.i am emotional. xP i felt the disappointed.i felt the pain of losing after leading in the front.perhaps i was thinking too much but i really felt so... x/ so now i guess....everyone shall fight on during nationals!-to all sports teams... (:

this has been a rotten week.i am aching all over and things are just not going my way. x( and there is the stupid progress report.ahhhhh.i am so so so dead.haix haix haix!really looking forward to this saturday....then i will be leaving all these crap temporarily.i want to fly,i want to fly away!!! xD

"My fate has been mapped out"?
"A person's character determines his/her fate"?
which is true...?hmmm.

_fairyland_
3/07/2006 08:43:00 PM

Friday, March 03, 2006

today marks the last day of table tennis west zone competition.rv did rather well this year! (= all the four divisions are in top 4!heex.can say...i am proud of rvtt!heex.hmmx...it is only when you are a part of something then you will feel that you belong there and really put yourself into the thing...am i right?

why is logical thinking so important,or rather,seemingly so important? xP why can't people judge from another point of view?this is reality.this is the real world.this is how sad life is. x(
there are people who look down and me,right?perhaps they do not show it,but they do look down on me...right? x/ why must they judge me?i pretend to be okay.i pretend to be oblivious.but i am not okay.

_fairyland_
3/03/2006 09:08:00 PM

Thursday, March 02, 2006

common tests.i did badly.i suppose it is deemed horrible by many people...this is what i have gottem,this is what i have done.i was unable to concentrate.i did last minute revision.i did not study hard enough.it seems like the same thing keep happening.i have been pushing myself and change for the better.sometimes i feel that i have succeeded yet,there are even more times when i feel that i just failed myself.i can only say i am frustrated with myself.it is so stupid. x(
but i will pick myself up and strive for the next exam.i have to.nothing is for granted,i know that.haix.

i have been telling myself to believe in myself but it does not seems to be working.what did i do wrong?what am i suppose to do right?hmmx. x/

it is always when i am alone that all these unhappy thoughts come to my mind.i don't like to be alone.yet,i enjoy the quietness of being alone... <3

i am forever contradicting myself.how wonderful...

i started afresh.more is going to unfold and i shall just go with the flow and see where this brings me to. (=
i will be happy. (:

_fairyland_
3/02/2006 09:30:00 PM