let_go; embrace ]]

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

falling at great speed.
can do nothing to stop falling.
can only pray for something better after all these.
believe...because...capable of doing better...

so sorry.

_fairyland_
11/22/2006 09:33:00 AM

Sunday, November 19, 2006

it has been months since i last came here...
hmm...
happiness came and go.
saddness came and go.
prelim came and go.
mugging hard for o level's came and go.
o level's came and go.

what's left of 2006 is playing hard?
people seem so excited about this period of holiday
BUT am i an exception?
i don't really want o level's to end...

why everyone seems so confident about doing very well and getting MANY a1?
why is it so easy for them?
me...?hmmx...
the greater your hopes are,the greater is your disappointment...

心里有许多的不安,要怎样才能平复呢?

another thing i hope to achieve during thsi period of time...HMM...can i do it?

_fairyland_
11/19/2006 02:40:00 PM

Saturday, July 01, 2006

i am still thinking if i really had the dream that i thought i had... x/ well...shld be have la. x)

i seldom dream and when i dreamt last night(midnight),i dreamt of my grandpa...it was so sudden...but i am glad that i got to "see" him... x) in the dream...he was sitting opposite me and he just kept smiling at me when i was crying so hard,calling for him... x( i still have the image of how he looked at me in my head.it was like he was trying to ask me not to cry yet he did not speak a word.. x/ so this means that i really had the dream right?the deceased really do appear in living human's dreams?hmm...

i told my mum about the dream and she asked me to let my granndma know and in the end,the whole family know about the dream...i saw that my mum's eyes were wet with tears when i was describin my dream to her.my grandma was probing me for more details after i told her about my dream.actually,my mum was the one tellin more of the dream to grandma...cos i was overwhelmed with emotions at that point of time and i cried. x(
oh god,i miss him so much.everyone misses him so much.i am so glad that i got to dream about him,even it may be just my imagination...i got to "see" him... x)

mayb i sound so exaggerated...but...really miss him a lot... x'(

smth unrelated:
perhaps there are people who think that i am weak...but do i care?whatever...

_fairyland_
7/01/2006 09:20:00 PM

school has only started for a week yet i am already very tired.i really did not expect myself to tire so quickly.sigh.term 3 is really gonna be very hectic.i reach home everyday at around 7pm and have to spend 1 long hour on transport...i am beginning to feel so sick but only 1 week has passed! x( how am i going to endure the rest of the term?ahhhh.

the road that stretches from the mrt station to my house seems so long and lonely everyday.the journey home everyday when i am alone seems so sad too.when i am alone,i am so capable of getting depressed because all the things that keep going through my head.i wanna divert my attention but to what?so now,i am kinda afriad to be without people. x( at least i will laugh,at least i won't think so much whhen there are people around me.sigh.

walking down this long and lonely road
which was once a happier journey,
what will i encounter?
i will never know.
but i still hope for the best,
please don't disappoiont me.
i know i can still stand tall,
if i give all i've got.
so take me away from this lonely and sad place...
[i actually have a tune for this "song".hahahaha.]

i don't mind letting everyone know how lousy i am.i know some of them will stand by me,some won't even care,and there will be some who look down on me but i won't bother myself with them.but i am very bothered with how u look at me.it is as if i totally cannot hold my head high in front of u.i wonder if u look down on me.i don't know if i am on the right track anymore.perhaps if there is a distance between us,i will feel better?perhaps u will stand tall without me around?perhaps if everything ends here,the sadness of separation at the end will be lesser?

i am sorry...but i do have these thoughts...

_fairyland_
7/01/2006 12:08:00 PM

Thursday, June 15, 2006

well.i was updating last night but everything was somehow gone.so i am retying my entry.blehx.

this is my 100th entry. =)

well...ytd was a fabulooous day. =) went shopping with dear valerie.both of us bought what we set out to buy...i bought bag and skirt.val bought bag and shirt... =) in addition,we caught a movie, "she's the man"...i highly recommend this movie.though the plot is typical and simple,it is very hilarious.it kept the whole cinema laughing through out the movie.haha.the actors and actresses are handsome and pretty too. xP lol...

den aft shopping with val,i met my mum and continued shopping.haha.and i bought a shirt. xD heex.

my day was...full of laughter.full of material possessions.none of my nonsense. x) i suppose that is smth gd?lolx.

perhaps i am just trying to fool myself.hmmx.

_fairyland_
6/15/2006 11:08:00 AM

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

it is raining heavily outside...

i woke up very early this morning and i attempted to sleep again while sitting upright. -.- well,i cld not sleep...lolx. that was very dumb... blehx.

how come when i read back things that i had written,i will find them dumb...?after all,they were thoughts and feelings that i felt...hmmx...

i am having more and more white hair!!! x(

_fairyland_
6/06/2006 11:31:00 AM

Monday, June 05, 2006

hols here.not veri excited though.for once in my life so far,i hope that the hols are not here now.sigh.

i did not go for class outing on sat.it was sentosa.wow,i did not want to go sentosa.lolx.bt i think it was a right choice after all... x) went for lunch with cy,val and kwan on sunday.then we went to buy stuff for people.really enjoyed myself.heex...finally bought a bracelet for myself!!!yeah! xD

well...my mum's sick and now,i feel very responsible for her...i was startled by myself. x) but i suppose feeling responsible for your mum is great!lolx...she was sleepin the whole day...envious of her.haha.

today is the last day of extra lessons in sch and it means the start of serious studying.
~~fear.~~ x(

hmmx.i guess i am feeling better now but stil feeling tense/anxious.lolx...i have plans and thoughts i want to carry out...but they wld not happen just cos i want them to.bleh!!!tat's sad...

today is 5/6/06.tmr is 6/6/06...

this place is full of mysteries and questions.

_fairyland_
6/05/2006 09:48:00 PM

Saturday, May 20, 2006

well...i thought i would feel better today after last night but i was very wrong.i could not sleep last night.finally slept after major breakdown and i slept for less than 6hours.is this self-torture?lolx.

i did not go njc's funfair with table tennis girls but i was kind of thankful that i had to stay home.because i was still feeling very lousy.sigh.my mother was so stunned when she heard that i don't want to go anywhere today because it is very rare that i want to chill out at home.lolx.so can i say these are very serious?hmmx...then i walked (and ran at some points) to and fro the same path near my granny's house during the night for 1 hour plus.i felt that that 1 hour was the only time for the past few days that i am not thinking about those stuff.however,1 hour without those worries is not enough.sigh.

what is then the right thing?say or not to say?
say-weird;nuisence;irritating
don't say- i am behind closed doors

HOW?

_fairyland_
5/20/2006 10:35:00 PM

bad.bad.very bad.

why is it so difficult?it is such a simple wish.why cant i have it? x'(

my brain is occupied.i cant keep my mind free.i cant sleep!!! x'(

why is everything getting from bad to worse?

i need to rely.rely on something.rely on someone.BUT there is NO something or someone.

pathetic.

_fairyland_
5/20/2006 12:20:00 AM